He stops calling or texting, and as the days or weeks go by, you begin to fret about what went wrong.
Can you relate?
Well, today I’m going to share three tips and one text message that will help you take action without chasing him down for answers.
Let’s get straight into it.
Ghosting Tip One…
Don’t get into your head about it.
I know, I know…that’s easier said than done. But we simply don’t know why they’re not contacting after a date or a few meetups; we don’t have access to their brain. It could be because they’re busy, they’re testing you, they’re seeing other people, they’re working, they’re away on business, they’re on holiday, they haven’t even thought about it, or even…they’re just not into a relationship.
We have to take things at face value and keep our head on straight. There’s no point in trying to analyse why he’s no longer showing interest; the only thing we can do is bear in mind the following…
SILENCE IS A COMPLETE MESSAGE.
If he’s not in contact, then unless he’s held hostage somewhere or stuck up a mountain, it’s because he doesn’t want to. Right now, that’s all we need to know. If we’ve just met that new hottie, the fact is, they’re practically a stranger, no matter how much he fluttered our heart and gave us the love shakes.
Unless it’s an established relationship, it’s best to tell ourselves, ‘He didn’t contact me, so we’re not a match right now…for whatever reason’.
This is the only sane thing to do in a new dating scenario.
The above tip is probably the best way forward in most cases. It stands to reason that if a guy wants to contact a woman then he can do so with one click. It’s not as if he has to fly across the world to knock on her door; he simply has to move his thumbs for a few seconds, and his communication will land in her lap. A text, an email, a phone call or a social media comment all allow him to reach you without breaking a sweat.
Now, I know that’s not very reassuring, but If you’re determined to get more closure, I do have a suggestion that will help you get out of the analysing and take a small action that can move things on. So, let’s check that out.
Ghosting Tip Two
If you’re going to act on the following suggestion, do so with all of tip number one in mind. If you’re the type of woman who likes a guy to make the moves, then it’s your call whether or not you want to drop him an invite to The Last Chance Saloon. That means you’re willing to give him one last opportunity to connect before you let him rest in peace.
If you’ve let enough time pass and feel it’s going to fizzle out without an intervention, then there’s one move you can make that is low investment, but will give you closure either way.
One caveat is…you only use this if you’ve so far resisted texting or contacting him. If you’ve tried to communicate and he’s ignored you, then you already have your answer. He’s not interested (right now). He might come back around, but as far as you’re concerned, it’s over and out and you keep dating others.
But if it’s all gone quiet and you haven’t hounded him, then there’s a text you can send that allows you to make a micro-move to feel out the situation.
This involves what I refer to as…
‘The Paper Plane’…
The term refers to the moment where you make a plane out of paper and launch it across the room at someone. When it hits them and falls to the floor, they look round to see where it came from, notice you and throw it back (or not). Either way, you have their attention by doing something fun and innocent.
The way you do this with your ‘ghost’ is to send a text that does a similar job. It should be a harmless little message that doesn’t carry any expectations, and it doesn’t ask a question that requires a response.
What you send is a ‘statement’
Think of something you know about him, or an ‘in-joke’ you have between you; you’ll have to reflect and see what you can recall. Whatever you come up with, you’re going to send your text based on this information.
Here are some examples of what that might be:
- Something funny happened on a date: The waiter dropped the soup, the couple on the next table had a row, you fell over, he choked on his spaghetti, you both drank too many porn-star martinis.
- He suggested you read a particular book, go to an event, watch a certain film, visit a special location, try a restaurant, sample a particular food.
- You had different tastes or opinions about something; sports teams, music or something else.
Then you send a text making a statement about your particular scenario. Here are some examples:
‘I just watched that film you recommended. I cried my little eyes out!’.
‘I just saw that waiter that dropped the soup. Too funny’.
‘I went to that art gallery you recommended. It made me happy. Great choice’.
‘I had to sit through a rap gig last night. Torture’.
‘I finally tried that wine you mentioned. You have good taste. (And I now need rehab).
If the relationship was a bit more intense, you could send something a bit more meaningful:
‘I just visited the restaurant where we had our first date. It made me feel happy’.
‘I just passed the theatre where we had our first kiss. It made me feel flustered’.
Telling a someone that a memory made you happy, flustered or any other positive emotion is powerful.
If he has any heart for you, he’ll FEEL something about that statement.
It can be any variation of something that you’ve seen, visited, eaten, drank, read, watched or experienced, that will give him good vibes.
When you make him smile, you’ll be back on his mind.
As you can see with the above texts, they lack pressure; they’re either playful or warm. You’re not expecting him to do anything with that information. All you’ve done is remind him of a shared experience, teased him or complimented him on his good taste.
And who wouldn’t want to receive such a charming text?
And that is your paper plane move.
Either he’ll pick it up and throw it back or he won’t. But at least you’ll have your closure.
If you were justifying that maybe he was nervous about contacting you, then you’ll soon find out. You haven’t had to make a big move to ask him out, or enquire how he is; all you’ve done is create a space for him to reconnect.
Be aware that when you send him the paper plane, you’re stepping into masculine energy.
Masculine energy is ‘action-oriented’, and if he’s backing off, then you might do better to lean back into receptive mode, rather than giving chase. Desire is created in the gap between what we want and what we can have. If we’re too available, it can be counter-productive. However, if you feel this relationship is going to fizzle out completely, then it might be worth throwing him a dating bone.
That’s not to say you jump the gun and get impatient; there’s many a potential love-match sabotaged by over-analysing a situation. But, it doesn’t always make sense to discard a potential connection based on someone backing off in the early stages. If he continues to do so, then leave him alone. Sometimes creating space will allow the ghost to reflect and miss you. But if not, then maybe he’s not ready to make the effort to secure a relationship.
Remember he doesn’t know that you’re a great woman YET!
If he’s a bit lazy or a hot guy, he might be used to women hanging around waiting for him, or he’ll be busy and not prioritising you. And if you figure out that’s who he is and suspect he’s not ready for love; that’s your cue to consider walking away.
Seriously, if he doesn’t respond to something so innocent and playful as the paper plane, then he’s either unsure or uninterested, but at least you’ve given him his chance. You didn’t ask him a question; you didn’t ask how he was; you didn’t try to initiate an action. It was a simple, fun communication that gives him the greenlight to reach out.
That’s it. And that’s all he gets.
Ghosting Tip Three
Remember that dating is a process. It’s your chance to audition each other, and see if you’re a match. The whole way down the dating path, unless you both want to become exclusive, then you owe each other nothing except manners and respect.
So many times we get caught up in mental wrangles over guys we don’t even know. We start fantasising that he’s ‘the one’ and stare at our phones waiting for a text or call.
We don’t even know who this person is yet!
Let him show you who he is and as you go along, check to see if he meets your value criteria, treatment levels and boyfriend/husband requirements. Meanwhile, have fun, be spontaneous and enjoy dating as many people as you like. That way, if the one you like doesn’t call, or disappears, then you can realistically tell yourself, ‘MY person will want to be by my side. Either this is not my person, or this guy’s not ready for a relationship’. Either way, I’m not waiting.
And that is the end of that.
If you’ve experienced a ghosting or it happens in the future, these three tips can help you either reconnect with your guy or let him go.
Hope they help in your journey to dating success.
If you want a ‘done for you dating solution’… then check out my manual…
‘Texting Secrets For Women. The Feminine Energy Scripts That Show You How To Use The RIGHT Texts In Dating, Breakups & Faling In Love
It contains over 200++ ‘Love Me Tender’ Texts that help you connect with the heart and mind of the guy you like or love.
No more second-guessing, these are cut and paste scripts you can tweak to suit your particular situation.
You can check it out here.
Hope you enjoyed the post.
To your love and power.
I’m Linda Bebbington, Psychotherapist and Relationship Coach helping you grow in confidence, date smart and love fiercely.
You can book 1-1 coaching with me at: